i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
