dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
