dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
