They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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