life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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