life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
