Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
