guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You pole danced in your parka.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
