i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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