why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize