i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
