are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
