i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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