I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
