I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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