My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
