Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
