Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Too much gin, very little bucket
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Randomize
