I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
