I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
