Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
