Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
