We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
