my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
