you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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