my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
