The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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