She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
