Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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