i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
are you so shy because you have an std?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
