Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
