the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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