Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
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