I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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