I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
