I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
