They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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