Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
