College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
