i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
