How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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