your parents love me but you hate me
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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