Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
