I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
