Jerry, you need to find god
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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