In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Randomize
