My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
