so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize