and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
