oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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