I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Randomize
