I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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