I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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