Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
