I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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