theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
