my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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