i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
