Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
