I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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