It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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