Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
