watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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