Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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