Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
