Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
